Enough
by Lucy Hale
Summary: Ron does some thinking. H/R/Hr, sort of.


Growing up, there were times when he felt like he was just another table setting, nothing more. When his brothers were chattering endlessly to their parents about what they'd done that day, he would sit and wait and want to put in his own little stories but never find a chance to cut in.  
  
They had better stories than he did anyway.  
  
Ron, he would tell himself at times like those, you're just not loud enough.  
  
And that wasn't really right. He knew deep down there was more to it than that. But that's what he told himself as he listened to his brothers go on and on.  
  
When Bill went away to do dangerous work for Gringott's, Ron could remember his childish excitement about it. How much he looked forward to Bill apparating in for a visit. How he longed for stories about curses and danger.  
  
And then Charlie went off to work with his dragons, and Ron thought he was the greatest brother in the whole world. He was cool, he was brave. He was Ron's hero. Ron had dreams where he would go off with Charlie when he was old enough, and they would fight dragons together like something out of old stories.  
  
Then one day Fred and George put a spell on his teddy bear, and he was never able to look at another spider. And they laughed at him if he ever mentioned his dreams, asking how he would ever handle dragons if stupid spiders made him scream.  
  
And he thought maybe they were right.  
  
He would tell himself, Ron, you just aren't brave enough.  
  
But he wasn't a chicken, really, so he wondered if maybe there wasn't more to it than that.  
  
Percy started at Hogwarts and brought home perfect grades and made their mum so proud and made their dad brag at work.  
  
Ron stole one of his text books once and tried to read it. He would show them - one night while Percy went on about a lesson Ron would know enough about it thanks to that book to talk right along with him, and then mum and dad would be proud.  
  
But the book was too hard. He was still reading kids books, after all, and he even had a little trouble focusing on them now and then. Percy's textbook was too much. It was long paragraphs and hardly any pictures, and Ron's thoughts never sit still enough for him to understand any of it.  
  
Then Percy caught him with it and yelled at him for getting chocolate- smeared fingerprints on the pages, and took the book back.  
  
And Ron accepted what Percy told him, what was probably true. Ron, you're just not smart enough.  
  
But that was maybe not true, because Ron was just maybe too young for it.  
  
So maybe 'smart enough' wasn't what he was trying to say at all.  
  
But he didn't know what he was trying to say.  
  
Fred and George always got the best of him when they were stuck in the house all day with their tired mum. They played jokes on everyone, of course, but they had the most fun with Ron. They could get him to fall for things anyone else would have seen through. He was trusting, maybe, and so he kept eating what treats they offered, even though every treat before had turned his skin blue, or his eyes red, or made him talk funny, or something like that.  
  
Still, he fell for them every time, and the twins laughed and laughed.  
  
And his mum got tired of it, and she yelled at them. And she yelled at him, too, because he really ought to know better.  
  
And he'd hide in his room and stay far away from his teddy bear and tell himself Ron, you're just not clever enough.  
  
Their mum took time every day to read to them, to try and teach them things. She told them all about the world, all about the history of Wizards and Muggles. She taught them about how to behave if Muggles were around. She taught them about the animals they would learn about in school, some spells they might learn.  
  
She taught them a lot, but Ron never remembered much of it. Even Fred and George paid enough attention to be able to answer questions about it later, but Ron had trouble getting himself to listen. His attention kept wandering to other things. The movement of the pots washing themselves. The sounds of birds and hens outside the window. The movement of trees and leaves and wind.  
  
He never remembered, and he almost never answered her questions right. And she got worried about him. He could tell she was worried.  
  
And he tried to concentrate. He really did. But he couldn't. Even after he overheard her telling dad they might need to send him to a special school if he had such trouble learning. Even then he couldn't force himself to behave.  
  
He hated it. He didn't know why he was that way, but he couldn't change it. Ron, he would berate himself angrily, you're just not doing enough.  
  
That didn't help, though. And it didn't sound right. There had to be more. Had to be something in him that was messed up in some way.  
  
Ginny was a good child. She never cried, really, she didn't get sick like other babies. She learned to walk faster than other kids, and she started talking soon. She never screamed or through tantrums the way Ron's mum said he used to all the time.  
  
She was pretty, too, and everyone said so. All their uncles and aunts and cousins that came by to see her said she was the most beautiful baby ever.  
  
Bill and Charlie came by more than ever to visit her. Percy read to her from his books. Fred and George cooed over her and never even once cut off all her hair or turned her skin green.  
  
Ron would stand by her bed at night and watch her and wonder what it was about her that was so special.  
  
But he realized after a while that it wasn't because she was so great that people paid attention to her. It was because he wasn't, that was why no one paid attention to him.  
  
Ron, he reminded himself when he got so mad he wanted to take her and hide her away forever so he wouldn't have to think about it anymore, you just aren't good enough.  
  
But his mum sat him down once and told him to not get angry about people paying attention to the baby, because they still loved him too. And he wondered if maybe there was something in him that made her lie like that, something bigger than 'not good enough' could explain.  
  
Hogwarts brought him friends - the first real friends he'd ever had. He had to deal with Percy and Fred and George there, of course, but it was easy to avoid them.  
  
He met Harry and was dazzled by him. The most famous Wizard kid ever. And Harry actually wanted to be his friend! It was great, really. Ron ignored his own brothers when Harry was around. Mostly because they ignored him back when Harry was around.  
  
Being at Hogwarts had one drawback, though.  
  
At home with no one but his family around, it was easy to think that they had it good. He didn't have to see a bunch of other kids with new clothes and new toys and books, and broomsticks and robes and everything. He didn't have to realize that never getting anything that wasn't already half-ruined by his brothers wasn't normal.  
  
At Hogwarts it was obvious that he was different from other kids. Scabbers was the only rat in the entire class because other kids got owls and toads and cats and bats and things.  
  
His robes were a different color than everyone else's. They looked black enough in the trunk, but when he put them on and sat down beside Harry, he was painfully aware of how dingy and gray and faded they were.  
  
His clothes didn't fit right, and his books were all falling apart and marked up and everything.  
  
Ron, he was reminded every single day, you haven't got enough.  
  
Still, silly that that should bother him. It wasn't as if it was his fault that his robes were old. His parents were the only ones who could have changed that.  
  
But by then he was used to blaming himself for things, so that's what he did. It was easier, anyway. Mum cried sometimes about not having enough, and he didn't want to blame her, even in his own mind, for anything.  
  
Each new school year when Harry still bounded to his side happily, he was surprised. He almost expected Harry to find someone else, someone better, to be friends with. But he didn't. Even Hermione seemed to like him more and more, and that was just weird. He thought she only ever humored him because of Harry.  
  
They had their share of mad adventures, and Ron grew a little more every year because of them. Because he didn't ruin anything. He helped. Not a lot, but he did help.  
  
It got to him now and then that he was never around when Harry truly needed it. He always managed to get stopped before Harry had to face the greatest dangers, and so Harry faced them alone.  
  
That bothered him a lot when it happened, and he wondered if he perhaps willed it to happen without realizing. He remembered the spider from years ago, and thought he was still maybe too scared to do anyone any real good.  
  
Ron, he sighed to himself in those times, usually sitting over Harry in hospital, you aren't devoted enough.  
  
That seemed wrong to him, though, because he was absolutely devoted. It was something else, something that he had never been able to name.  
  
Percy became head boy, of course, and made perfect grades. Fred and George became the most popular kids in school because of their legendary pranks. Ginny was so sweet that everyone loved her, even the older kids watched out for her.  
  
But that was fine. Ron was used to not being smart enough or funny enough or sweet enough or good enough to top them. He still had Harry and Hermione, so that was something.  
  
He wondered if maybe that was why he fell in love with Harry. Because Harry made him feel like he was good enough.  
  
Made him feel like he was even more than good enough when he returned Ron's feelings, when he actually kissed Ron one cold day over Christmas break when they sat together in matching Weasley jumpers.  
  
That was definitely a new feeling, and Ron wasn't sure what to do with it. He was happy, though, and that counted for something.  
  
Christmas break ended, and things went on like normal.  
  
Ron walked in to the common room after detention one evening and found Harry and Hermione together by the fire, kissing.  
  
Harry told him later that it was what he truly wanted - not to lose Ron, but to have them both. That the three of them together were perfect, unstoppable. That if he had them, he had everything.  
  
It was that night, with Harry looking at him with such hope, Hermione standing over them holding Harry's hand to show her support.  
  
That night, Ron finally pieced together what he hadn't fully realized in all the years before. Brave enough, smart enough, good enough.none of those things mattered.  
  
He tried out many different thoughts. Ron, you aren't romantic enough.  
  
Ron, you aren't funny enough.  
  
Ron, you aren't sweet enough.  
  
Ron, you aren't gentle enough. Aren't rough enough.  
  
Tried them all, but none of them felt right.  
  
Ron, he told himself as he tasted pain in the form of one tear he hadn't held in, you aren't enough.  
  
And that seemed right. 


End file.
